something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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