i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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