Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
