every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
