life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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