I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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