hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
