is wine microwaveable?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
