There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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