I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
