I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
