Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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