im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
