Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
