New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
