god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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