I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
