Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
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In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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