remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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