I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
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Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
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I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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