I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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