I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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