Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
