i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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