Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
