Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
