Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
