i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
