i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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