I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the condom got lost in my hair
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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