hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
