I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
