I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
