Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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