New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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