Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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