I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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