Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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