mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
