I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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