No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
