To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
How does one acquire holy water?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
