So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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