it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
