Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
