just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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