i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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