come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
