I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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