One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
