I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
