I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
