I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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