At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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