Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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