i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
