He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
